Take That, Fat!
Hey I just noticed that the 20 pounds I managed to shake by the end of July are still gone somehow. Let’s all celebrate that with some ramen!
In other news, swimming hasn’t really lasted in my repertoire this year after all, but running and cycling have served me pretty well. Gym, even. Jeez, what’s the matter with me? I might start liking this “sports” thing if I’m not careful.
amancalleddada asked: hey. why did you go to tumblr from wordpress?
The Unpronounceable is just on hiatus, it’ll make a comeback eventually. This project is on Tumblr because I felt like trying the system. Probably wind up keeping both, despite my update rate already being abysmal what with Cracked and my day job keeping me busy as fuck.
We had a good run, everyone. Now, bacon!
9 Surprising Finds About Taking Up Swimming (Again)
Some 30-40 pounds ago, I used to swim a lot. It has occurred to me that quitting this might have had something to do with the whole weight situation. So, back to the training schedule it goes!
However, there are some differences in swimming when you’re fit and when you’re, well, me. And man, did those differences bite me in the ass when I attempted to tackle the sport in my current condition…
9. THE MIRROR
Hey! Some bastard had changed all the mirrors in the dressing room into those amusement park ones that make you appear, like, way fatter than you really are. You distinctly remember looking at them two years ago and looking a lot skinnier than…
… oh, right.
8. THE SHOWERS
Jesus, has literally everyone else always been so fit? What happened to our obese western world where everyone’s dying of diabetes? Is a six-pack one of the symptoms?
7. THE SPEEDO
Yes, you are one of those assholes who wear a Speedo.
And it has just occurred to you that it’s the same Speedo that you wore two years and forty pounds ago.
6. THE POOL AREA
The distance between the shower room and the pool is slightly too long to suck your gut in all the way. On a positive note, though: The look on people’s faces when you finally give up halfway through and suddenly transform into your default beached whale form is solid comedy gold.
5. THE POOL
…uh, did the water level just rise a bit?
4. FRONT CRAWL
It’s surprising how difficult something you used to be quite good at can get when you’re suddenly a good deal wider and have the upper body strength of an asthmatic weasel. No, this will not work at all.
Ah, this is better. Moving to a slower lane takes away the stress of getting your face accidentally kicked in by the faster swimmers and having your every orifice filled with water from the sprays and splashes of their movements. Sure, the grannies and balding, fifty-something men — the only other occupants of the slowest breaststroke lane — might give long looks at your tattooed husk as you pathetically flap along, but at least you can now keep pace.
2. THE ZONE, SOMEHOW
After five or six full laps in the Olympic-sized pool, something happens. Your movements become fluider, and every movement isn’t a conscious, painful effort. The muscle memory of a younger, fitter, stronger man takes over. You stop attempting and start performing.
Fifteen, twenty laps fly by. It’s not athletic, and unless you’re into walruses, it’s damn well not pleasant to look at. But it’s happening, and it feels good.
Holy shit, this is awesome! Getting out of the pool, your whole body radiates the good aching that always indicates a successful training session. A quick sauna and shower later, you feel more envigorated than you’ve been in months. You know you can’t (and probably shouldn’t) sport another second, yet you can’t resist taking a quick jog in the evening.
You know, since you’re already in the mood.
Fat Bastard’s Pro Tip for Clothes Shopping: Don’t.
For the vast majority of my adult life, I’ve been pretty skinny. We’re talking 29” waist on a five foot ten, 130 pounds skinny, here — the only way to avoid looking like a hip hop enthusiast was to only buy clothes that say “Slim Fit” on the label.
Now, fast forward ten or so years and double the pounds, emphasis on the last two years.
What you get is a sad, chubby man — imagine pre-weight loss Ricky Gervais, if you will — trying to instinctively stuff himself into those same slim-fits he’s always been buying, only to find that he can’t fit them past his fucking calves.
Let me assure you: It’s a very sobering moment.
accidentalwizard-deactivated201 asked: Thanks for hating exercising as much as me. I mean, come on. I went for a walk the other morning. It was about 20mins, all while I chanted "fuckthis" over and over again. Walking/jogging/running is fucking stupid. But I'm going to keep doing it, because fuck you. I also have a huge blister in my foot. So yeah... where was I... oh, yeah, your blog's pretty great.
Thanks! Too bad I’m gonna have to shut it down now, because there’s no way I’ll ever be able to sum my training attitude better than “It’s fucking stupid but I’m going to keep doing it, because fuck you.”
heartslaughs asked: Rock on. I wish I could do what you're doing. Then again, I'm a girl which makes it a whole lot worse... So rock on while I hate you from across the Atlantic.
Thanks, right back at you! You can always do what you can if you feel like it, that’s pretty much what I’m doing here. It ain’t much but it all adds up.
Regarding the gender thing, though — have you ever had comments on your excessive boobage while being a dude? That’s happened to me, and also happens to pretty much be my exact definition of “a whole lot worse.”